Going Down the Fear Spiral

I remember clearly the first time my husband had to travel for work again after D day.  We had been rebuilding for a while when he had to attend a conference.  This was a particularly triggering scenario for me as his affair had been carried out while he travelled and conferences were pretty high risk zones – and he knew it.  But we also knew that it had to happen one day.  It was the nature of the job and although he had worked hard to stay close to home, especially in the early days, there had to come a point where real life had to come back – we couldn’t lock ourselves in our affair recovery bubble forever.

For many couples, depending upon what the opportunity factors were for the affair,  going back out into the real world, so to speak, can be extremely triggering no matter how far down the affair recovery road you are.  Before you know it you can be sliding down, down the pain spiral…

We carefully and deliberately planned and agreed upon our contact over the time he was to be away.  I had more information than I had ever been given in the past such as hotel name and contact phone numbers and even his schedule – all given freely and voluntarily.  I felt we did the best we could to ensure safety and allay my fears.

All went smoothly – until it didn’t.  He had contacted me as agreed in the morning and we had talked over coffee.  Then I had gone to get the kids off to their day and later had called him about something… and he didn’t answer.  No big deal except that it was for me, as it instantly triggered me into a fear spiral and my thoughts took over and propelled my body into fight or flight.  All sorts of scenarios were possible and my imagination went wild.  Driven by adrenalin before I knew it I was a mad woman.  I must have rung his mobile 50 times – all no answer and texting still no answer.  I even rang his room through the hotel main desk.   No answer. At some point he came back to the room and saw his phone and the hotel phone and the messages and he called me.  Brave man because then he copped the full force of my fear.

When I had calmed enough he explained to me that he had gone for a run.  In those days before smart phones he would run with an mp3 player for his music and always left his phone at home.  He understood he could have text me to let me know he would be unavailable for awhile but this level of accountability was all new to him.  He was used to never checking in or letting me know what he was doing as I had never asked him to before.   It all made sense – really a storm in a tea cup but when those thoughts get out of control incidents like these can take on a life of their own.  

So how do you stop going down the fear spiral and move past this trigger?

Step 1 - Remember this is about you not your partner. Danger is real.  Fear is a choice.  As long as your partner is doing all the right things and working hard at repairing the damage and healing themselves and the relationship (find out more here) then you need to acknowledge that the danger is from the past and not real in the present.  The fact that your brain is telling you it is real is a history dump from your faulty filing cabinet that stores your memories in your emotional part of your brain in no logical or even chronological order.  You are responsible for managing what goes on in your head – not your partner. Whilst they can get really good at hanging out with you in your fear they cannot fix it for you by doing any more than showing up and putting the rights to wrong again.

If of course your partner is not showing up and doing the right things and has complete disregard for your feelings, then the danger may be real and a completely different course of action may be required (read more about that here).

Step 2 - Get really good at noticing and naming a fear spiral.  In the moment put down the phone and just breath and allow your rational part of your brain the calm space it needs to get back on line to remind you that your partner is doing all the right things.  If you can pull out a self soothing strategy then do it or plan to do it really soon.

Step 3 The better you get at catching it the shorter the spiral will be.  It is the thoughts that rage in your head about all the things that could be happening with your partner in that moment that create the feelings that lead you down the fear spiral.  An early warning system can be found in your body.  Notice what you body does when you are in fight or flight – I know I tense up my shoulders go up and I hold my breath then I notice my heart rate increases.

For me, getting really good at managing these fear spirals was high priority.  Being completely hijacked mentally without notice was not a way I wanted to live my life so while this trigger was a big one I worked hard at all my triggers one by one so they could not take hold of me and send me down where I didn’t want to go. (Read more about other strategies for triggers here…)

Good Luck xx